You appear to be a strong, confident and independent woman... how do I let the new guy I met last week know that I really like him and would like to spend more time with him without coming across clingy and over-aggressive? Thanks Dora! You're looking good as usual.
Signed,
HGB
Lovely HGB,
Signed,
HGB
Lovely HGB,First off, thank you for your kind words and flattery. I feel rather well and foxy to boot!... I feel for you HGB as this is a common question we singles often ask ourselves. You meet someone, you like them, it's only natural to want to spend time with those you like. Common sense right? Then why are we so afraid of communicating this desire, why do we fear the stigma of being clingy, or controlling, or heaven forbid looking like we are obsessed!! There is a huge line between obsession and admiration. So large that most competent people know when they are standing between the lines (even when they don't wish to admit it). If you are honest with yourself you will know when you have crossed, or are contemplating crossing, the line. Boy! Those are never fun times from the receiving or giving end!!
For you, my sane friend, I can only offer truth. No mind games, no hokey elaborate schemes, no sitting on rooftops to ambush or spy on your object of desire. How about the plain simple truth- honesty. If you're comfortable, tell him you'd like to see him more, you'd like to hang out, you'd like to spend some time in his company, you enjoy his presence.
If that's not your style, my first question is -do you have confidence in yourself? If the answer is no, then all best laid plans may end up at the same lonely road. Eventually, the more time you spend with someone, the closer they'll get to seeing your insecurities. I see this phobia with a lot of young people today -the fear of intimacy. Don't be afraid of being vulnerable. Identify your insecurities -accept them, allow others to accept them, conquer them when you're ready. And don't hold others responsible if they choose not to accept your vulnerabilities.
If you're not sure that he wants to spend time with you and you'd rather not pick his brain about it, then make the choice easy and worry-free for him. Invite him to an upcoming party or gathering, for a no-pressure evening with friends. Or purchase a pair of tickets for a movie, a play or other event you have been wanting to see. Let him know that you have an extra ticket and you'd like him to join you. If he likes you, he'll be interested in attending even if the specific play or movie doesn't interest him. If he can't make it but seems genuine then make plans for another date or time. If he's not interested, then use those tickets to take a friend and consider yourself lucky- at least he's not leading you on.
If you're confident that he's receptive to spending time with you, why not introduce projects that require some commitment and participation -like enrolling in lessons or taking classes in subjects you both find interesting. It could be as simple and cheap as free cooking classes at say, the local Loblaw's, or a monthly book or music club, maybe weekly coffee chat (I happen to know that the coffee at Dark Horse is date worthy).
He'll want to be around people who bring out the best in him. Let him know you value and appreciate his opinion by asking for his input. i.e. what type of beer does he recommend stocking your upcoming party with? what kind of couch would look good with your new paint colours-a/b/c? you're buying a new car or bike: would he test drive some models with you? ask him what do guys think about so and so? And when he does share, don't criticize. Thank him for his input even if you decide not to do anything with it.
But let's face it, we can't force someone to spend time with us (if we're sane that is), no matter how much we think they'll like us if only they give us the chance. Some people are not willing to take the chance. If you try reaching out and you get a cold shoulder, well then, it's time to re-direct your attention. And you shouldn't feel embarrassed for knowing what you want and sharing that with someone you really like. This doesn't make you clingy, a control-freak, or a stalker. Ditch any fear mongering stigma that you may have, be confident and open to being vulnerable. It is only in asking that we can receive. Good luck to you.
With genuine love,
DD
(visit Dora and drop off questions @ Dark Horse 682 Queen St. East Toronto, stay a while and have a yummy java and treat! you can also email questions to: dahlingdora@gmail.com)
For you, my sane friend, I can only offer truth. No mind games, no hokey elaborate schemes, no sitting on rooftops to ambush or spy on your object of desire. How about the plain simple truth- honesty. If you're comfortable, tell him you'd like to see him more, you'd like to hang out, you'd like to spend some time in his company, you enjoy his presence.
If that's not your style, my first question is -do you have confidence in yourself? If the answer is no, then all best laid plans may end up at the same lonely road. Eventually, the more time you spend with someone, the closer they'll get to seeing your insecurities. I see this phobia with a lot of young people today -the fear of intimacy. Don't be afraid of being vulnerable. Identify your insecurities -accept them, allow others to accept them, conquer them when you're ready. And don't hold others responsible if they choose not to accept your vulnerabilities.
If you're not sure that he wants to spend time with you and you'd rather not pick his brain about it, then make the choice easy and worry-free for him. Invite him to an upcoming party or gathering, for a no-pressure evening with friends. Or purchase a pair of tickets for a movie, a play or other event you have been wanting to see. Let him know that you have an extra ticket and you'd like him to join you. If he likes you, he'll be interested in attending even if the specific play or movie doesn't interest him. If he can't make it but seems genuine then make plans for another date or time. If he's not interested, then use those tickets to take a friend and consider yourself lucky- at least he's not leading you on.
If you're confident that he's receptive to spending time with you, why not introduce projects that require some commitment and participation -like enrolling in lessons or taking classes in subjects you both find interesting. It could be as simple and cheap as free cooking classes at say, the local Loblaw's, or a monthly book or music club, maybe weekly coffee chat (I happen to know that the coffee at Dark Horse is date worthy).
He'll want to be around people who bring out the best in him. Let him know you value and appreciate his opinion by asking for his input. i.e. what type of beer does he recommend stocking your upcoming party with? what kind of couch would look good with your new paint colours-a/b/c? you're buying a new car or bike: would he test drive some models with you? ask him what do guys think about so and so? And when he does share, don't criticize. Thank him for his input even if you decide not to do anything with it.
But let's face it, we can't force someone to spend time with us (if we're sane that is), no matter how much we think they'll like us if only they give us the chance. Some people are not willing to take the chance. If you try reaching out and you get a cold shoulder, well then, it's time to re-direct your attention. And you shouldn't feel embarrassed for knowing what you want and sharing that with someone you really like. This doesn't make you clingy, a control-freak, or a stalker. Ditch any fear mongering stigma that you may have, be confident and open to being vulnerable. It is only in asking that we can receive. Good luck to you.
With genuine love,
DD
(visit Dora and drop off questions @ Dark Horse 682 Queen St. East Toronto, stay a while and have a yummy java and treat! you can also email questions to: dahlingdora@gmail.com)
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