Dahling Dora:The Skinny on Fat

Help Dora! 

I'm worried about my younger sister and her obsession with weight. She constantly shows me weight loss ads and pictures. She thinks she's fat and that boys won't like her if she's heavy. She's only 8! I don't know what to say or how to approach her- there's a large age difference between us and she sees me just as an older brother. What advice can I give that would get through to her?

Signed,

Worried Brother

Dearest WB,

How nice it is to see men concerned about poor self-image in women –be it sisters or not, as this is an issue that concerns and affects all genders. To address the answer, we must look at society’s perception in shaping such insecurities.

Decades of misguided advice has been given to women across North America by, dare I say it, other women! Take for example the flatulently titled 1964 book by Arlene Dahls entitled “Always Ask a Man, Key to Femininity”.

From page 27: Delicacy and refinement are the hallmarks of femininity-and when a woman gorges herself she is destroying that precious illusion of feminine charm just as surely as she is destroying her figure. Puh-lease, Arlene, puhlease.

Although Alrene emphasizes the importance of health in related diets and does spout some adequate advice, her quest to place an ideal of femininity above all runs the same risk of disconnection that play-bunny reality shows and airbrushed magazine covers do of today. Sadly, the 21st century has not resolved our quest to fit the “perfect mold”.

One of those perceptions of beauty is, and will likely always be, weight. Your younger sister has the filament of social thinking that aims to target women at young ages in order to groom them into the ideal beauty. This is what will keep them buying cellulite creams, diet pills, slimming gadgets and non-fat yogurts well into their senior years (have you seen the variety of yogurts out there? It’s madness…but I digress).

That is the sad truth of the images your sister is bombarded with. It begins with personal insecurity, is capitalized by commercial opportunity, and lastly supported in whole by society. Sounds heady and complicated? Well, it is.

So to cut through all the rhetoric, here are some suggestions to try:

Introduce positive role models into her life –bring over girl friends that vary in size, style, and shapes. Let your sister know that each of them has their own insecurities and skills, some visible, some not. You can casually mention it in conversation and go further into discussion once your sister takes the bite.

Perspective can be a lifesaver. Clip magazine images of women who do not fit ideal weight molds but are highlighted for their overall beauty, success, and individuality. Bring in books, magazines, videos, music cds and clippings that challenge ideals of standard beauty. Draw compliments unrelated to weight. Go through family photos- point out that even when the women in her life like mom, aunts, and friends, change, grow older, gain weight, they aren’t loved or valued any less.

Put your money where your mouth is. When you think she doesn’t care what her older brother thinks, or you think she isn’t listening, those messages and attitude sink in. That means being respectful and mindful of your actions; no catcalls, no objectifying women as sex objects, no rude remarks or jabs at a woman’s weight –in and out of her presence. You can’t expect her to change her attitude if you aren’t willing to.

Take the importance and emphasis away from weight. Encourage and get her involved into crafts, sports, nature, volunteering, any activity that rewards involvement and strength of character. Stay away from activities that perpetuate ideals: like beauty pageants, next top model, Nicole Ritchie…

Failing any of these, watch Lilo and Stitch, Hairspray, or videos of Beth Ditto from The Gossip. Ultimately, each of us will have to decide how we view ourselves, but if we’ve had encouraging support along the way, hopefully the decision becomes easier.

DD

(various slimming/weight gaining ads from Women's Journal October 1934, Women's World October 1935, Too fat, too thin -would you make up your mind already? Jeesh)